Gratitude: day5: Eleanor

The REAL day 5 :)

Tonight it's just me and Ellie, and I wanted to open up on a more personal note and tell you all a story.

This is my sweet Ellie girl.

When I thought I was pregnant with Ellie, I was in denial. I had a 6 month old, how could I possibly be pregnant again. I hated the thought of it so much that I didn't take a pregnancy test for almost 5 weeks after I thought it was a possibility. I was feeling sick, and having headaches. I never have headaches unless I'm pregnant or nursing, and I hadn't been nursing Calvin for 2 months.

I took the test and of course it was positive. I was at my brother in laws house when I took it, because my sister in law, Kristel, had just found out she was pregnant. I went into our room and just cried. I was so sad. How could I rob Calvin of his childhood? How was I supposed to take care of Calvin alone while I was pregnant and Mike was at OTS?

Mike, on the other hand, was SO excited! He wanted our kids super close. (While I was in labor with Ellie he was already talking about getting pregnant again.) He was reassuring me that everything was going to be perfect and that I would do great.

I never really changed my mind about being pregnant. I hated it. I also didn't change my mind about wanting another baby, even after we found out it was a girl. (I wanted another boy.) This bad attitude actually continued all the way into my labor. My mom and Mike were telling me how great of a mother I was going to be to two kids, and how exciting it was that I was literally having a baby any second (I was pushing...) and they were sooo excited. I told them that I didn't want to talk about it, and they should stop talking about having plural children... Then she was born. No turning back now. I loved her. Not the "Holy crap! It's my first baby" kind of love. But a gentle "She's so beautiful" kind of love. (Still struggling with the fact of explaining this "thing" to Calvin.)

We brought her home and she cried. A LOT. ALL THE TIME. Calvin never cried. Calvin didn't like that she took his mommy away. I had no idea how to handle it, so I cried. A LOT. I literally would lock myself in the closet and cry. How was I supposed to help her feel better? Well we tried everything. Finally, the thing that worked was that I had to stop eating dairy. Yes, my favorite food group. It was worth it. I finally got some sleep.

I went home for a month when Ellie was a month old. My sister McKenna helped me get Ellie on a normal sleeping schedule so that I could function and still be able to take care of Calvin. (My sister is so great, by the way. She was a lifesaver the entire month I was there.)

When I got back to Texas, life was hard again. I got mastitis and was really sick for about a week. (I thought that continuing to nurse Ellie was going to kill me.) I cried again, a lot. (Poor Mike. He's such a trooper.) Finally I realized that I had post-partum depression, bad. I know a lot of women get this, and it is a real thing. It's hard to admit that you have it, and if you do have it, please get help. It's worth it. (I have never been happier, I love Zoloft!)

Now that I am taking medicine, I can clean my house, take care of two kids, leave the house looking halfway decent, and even find time for things that I LIKE doing... and remember what I like doing. It's been a long time since I have been able to actually focus enough to get any of those things done. When I say a long time, I mean 5 years. My entire marriage I have had some degree of depression. (Thanks again, Mike, for hanging in there with me. Love you babe!, even though you don't read my blog...)

So back to being grateful for Ellie. She sleeps by me to make the nights a little easier on both of us. (Mike sleeps on the couch. Thanks for giving up your spot in bed babe. Believe it or not you're benefitting from it too :)) Every time I climb in to bed and look at her sweet face, all I can think about is how perfect she is. She is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She has the sweetest smile, and she flashes it at us all the time! She loves Calvin the most; he makes her laugh and she loves to watch him play. Calvin loves giving Ellie lots of kisses and says "HI ELLIE!" throughout the day. It's adorable and makes my heart happy :).

Anyway, Ellie is such a blessing in our lives and I can't imagine not having her in our family. She's perfect for us, and I love her so much. I love thinking about how we will be best friends when she's older, (much older, past the teenage stage.) I love thinking about how she is going to be such a great big sister (this is not a pregnancy announcement, I hope.) I love looking at how beautiful she is. I could stare at her all day. She has the chunkiest legs. She has the craziest hair. She has the best smile. She has the cutest laugh and best voice. I wouldn't want her any other way. I'm so lucky to be her mom. And I didn't rob Calvin of his childhood. I made it better. He loves being a big brother.

Which brings me to another point. I have a lot of feelings such as regret and guilt. I don't ever want Ellie to know this story. I don't want her to ever know that I didn't want her, or that I didn't know what to do with her. I don't want her to know that in the beginning I was only breastfeeding so that I could lose the baby weight quickly. How selfish could I really be? (I was so selfish, I hate to admit it.) I feel so guilty every day that I didn't try harder to change my attitude. I regret ever having those feelings toward something that a lot of people can't have. I'm so grateful that I can have children, and get pregnant, and raise my children.

I am so blessed.